If it is God's Will...

Now a leper came to Him, imploring Him, kneeling down to Him and saying to Him, "If You are willing, You can make me clean."
Then Jesus, moved with compassion, stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, "I am willing; be cleansed."
As soon as He had spoken, immediately the leprosy left him, and he was cleansed.
~ Mark 1:40-42

It can be confusing praying for God's will to be done. We think, "God is good. Surely therefore it must be His will that He will heal my child, my spouse, my grandfather, (whomever)..." But that is not always the case. God decides when and how He will heal, if He chooses to heal at all. He may choose not to heal, so that His greater will may be done in our lives.

My 20's were book-ended by the loss of each of my parents, first my dad and then my mom. When my dad became ill, I was only 21. I thought for sure God would heal him...I could not imagine that it would be the will of God to take my dad at 54 and leave my family and me without him. But He allowed my dad to die.

My mom became ill when I was 29. She and I prayed to God to heal her, and I had faith that He could if it was His will. But....again God chose not to heal. I was in shock. My mom was gone; it was so final. God, I thought, had failed me. My heart still aches 12 years later as I sit at my desk and write about it.

But as I look back I see now with clarity God's hand in those situations. My dad's death made me question more deeply the truth about God, life and death, heaven and hell, and who Jesus was...and what it all means for me and my life. It began a very confusing time for me, a time of deep and fervent searching. But in all of this turbulence, God was there, gently revealing Himself to me. He became real to me, my Father in Heaven, my safe refuge.

I have to admit to you that when my mom died, things did not go as well. Suddenly everything about God scared me. I was in shock that He would allow her to die in a matter of only weeks. I thought surely God knew I would not be able to handle the blow He had dealt me, the feeling that a part of my flesh and my identity had been torn and ripped from my body and my heart had been crushed. I was scared. God scared me. He still does at times.

But now I see that God was revealing Himself to me. God is Love, and sometimes love hurts. But if God had chosen my will and not His, I would not be who I am today. I now know compassion, tolerance, grace, forgiveness and understanding in ways I would not have experienced if life had gone smoothly and God had healed my parents and spared me the pain of losing them in my 20s. I now am a joyful, well-adjusted, grateful young woman of 41 who loves God and experiences Him daily. There are times I am in awe and fear of His power, and His love does not make sense to me. But the Bible says,

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways." says the LORD.
"For as the heavens are higher then the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."
~ Isaiah 55:8-9

I choose now to believe that in God's infinite wisdom, His will is better than my own, and I trust Him.